Rest, Relax, Repeat

*Lazily drifts past on a pool float*

Hey. Would you hand me my drink?

*finishes store-brand sparkling water, makes that annoying empty cup sound with my straw while you wait for me to say something*

Thanks.

What's been going on with you since the last time we hung out? Hope things are well. They are with me. Lots of good things happening, and lots of time to enjoy them.

I've shared with you our physical, emotional, and spiritual stressors over the last year or so. You know about the amazing double-whammy blessing of Ben's new job and continued good health. Simultaneously, I applied for a new part-time job I thought would be perfect. We assumed it was time to jump into the deep end of the pool again.

Not so fast.

Many, many mornings during the last year and a half, I would cry from stress. Ben drove me to work most days, sometimes because he needed the car, but often because driving would cause me to have panic attacks. (I can't tell you how many times I've had to pull over and get out of the car for a couple of minutes because I was hyperventilating. And I don't even drive on the interstate.)

"Lord, I just need a vacation. I need some rest!" I would wail. Physically, I was depleted, even though our specific stressors had diminished. I didn't actually want to go anywhere. I just wanted to sit still.

Isn't it amazing how we can trust God to give us what we need?

Because things with my employment have been moving slowly, I've spent the last several weeks resting. Waiting. Taking my time. Sleeping so much and so deeply I drool on my pillowcase.

It's been glorious. Obviously, our money has been tight, so on one hand, I kind of feel like I did during summer breaks before I was old enough to get a job - poor, sort of bored, privileged to be creative with my time. But mostly I feel renewed.

In fact, I'm amazed at how much of a difference this recovery is making in my life. I had no idea how badly I needed it. But my Lord did. I've been able to enjoy so many more things since He cut the heat out from under the overflowing pot of anxiety in my body.

So what have I been doing with my time? I've gone to the library more times than I can count, often climbing the steps to the 3rd floor reference stacks to read the bound volumes of old magazines. I washed and rehung every curtain in our home. I take more time each day to read my study Bible and then watch an uplifting sermon afterwards. (I call it my Steak and Dessert Hour.) I'm talking on the phone with loved ones and getting to know them better. The other day I spent a quiet, languid 90 minutes in Walgreens picking out cheap eye cream and looking at clearance Easter candy. It was silly! And delightful.

I've also been able to drive greater distances without anxiety, and this has been incredible.

In March, Ben went to Atlanta to train for his new job. He was gone for an entire week. (He's doing wonderfully, by the way. Loves the company and his coworkers. Also still eating his weight in Subway sandwiches everyday.) It was the longest we'd been apart since we were married. By the 3rd day or so, I was doing pretty well. I started sending him selfies from different places around town where I had driven. I even drove myself to see my mom, and she's 45 minutes away.

Going for rockabilly hair, settled for fundamentalist church lady

No one has ever been this excited inside a Walmart before, y'all

You already know that Ben and I are hardcore civic cheerleaders, and we are also local government geeks. We've been able to participate in several city council and county commission meetings lately about a hot-button issue here in SoKno. Most of those meetings start at 5 or earlier, so I've usually been at work and unable to attend.

Hardly none of y'all care about our political opinions, and I respect that. Just know Ben and I are locally passionate about sustainability, neighborhood walkability, local synergic businesses, and equity. If you'd like to know specifics, here's Ben's recent interview about Chapman Highway speeding, and here's me last summer, looking like an extra in an '80s teen party movie, telling everyone how much I love turning roads into parks. My point is, all this rest has only made me more engaged and I'm grateful.

I haven't even told you about my new job yet. Remember how I thought I wanted a front desk-y job with a local hospital system? It was with a hospital that was barely 10 minutes from my house. I interviewed, did well, and they offered me the job, contingent on having the hours approved from a different department.

That delay of approval is the reason I have been able to take this time for myself. I just didn't realize how long the employment process was going to take. Listen to this, though - a couple of weeks after I had been offered the first job, a second hospital system asked me to come interview for a front desk-y job in their radiation oncology department. I interviewed, twice, and was able to meet the staff and spend some time with them. Although the second hospital system is across town and much further away, I felt a immediate peace about the second job that I didn't feel with the first, despite the fact that everyone in every interview was kind and competent. I'm not one to use feelings as markers, because they are often bad indicators of what is reliable or good. However, the second job seemed like an excellent fit, so I accepted it and took it as another example of the Lord's blessing in my life.

Not only does this job offer a nice benefit package, even at part time, but the dress code is business casual, allowing me to be out of scrubs for the first time in years. I know a lot of people like wearing scrubs, but I do not. I think they are shapeless and depressing and I always forget that I have Kleenex stuffed in one of those tiny pockets and then I spend 10 minutes picking bits off before I can iron them. I get to wear pretty clothes again, so hooray!

Seriously, though, the most honorable and humbling part of this job is the fact that each patient I will encounter is battling cancer. What an opportunity to be His ambassador! So many chances to show kindness and compassion, to uplift and pray for others. I will be able to start this new chapter rested, refreshed, and well fed on His word. Please pray for me as I begin.

And hey, the best part is I still have a few more days to relax before going back to work. Apparently, getting hired on at a hospital takes time. So if you want to hang out, let me know. I am happy to do precisely nothing with you as we sit on the porch and watch the world go by.

April 27, 2019