Worship: A Crash Course

New to Jesus? Returning to in-person worship after 2 years of Zoom? Brushing up on the basics before Easter? Maybe my dictionary will help.

Anointing with Oil: what you have to do (discreetly) to dry pasta salad in the fellowship hall

Cologny Sandwich: back-to-back hugs from overly-perfumed church ladies

Eternal Security: the knowledge that at any time, in any church, there is an industrial-sized stainless steel container of coffee brewing for your refreshment

Fishers of Men: the act of evangelism, e.g., a single Christian lady shopping alone at the hardware store

Great White Throne Judgement: what occurs when a churchgoer in a tight dress walks past the group of Karens

Hymnastics: the happy dance/jump thing you do when you check the bulletin and see the congregation is singing one of your favorite songs that Sunday

Lord’s Supper: sometimes used as breakfast

Martyr: someone who volunteers for nursery duty, may they rest in peace

Pillar of Fire: what your mama will turn into if she has to shush you one more time

Responsive Reading: comes directly before the sermon, around the time you have to elbow your husband awake each week

Stand and Greet: shaking hands with each other in the spirit of love and friendship, or, the part of service where introverts run off to the bathroom

Water Baptism: when the kid sitting next to you dumps the contents of his sippy cup all over your outfit